NFL Playoffs Final Four: Jersey Shore Style

What, you would have preferred Mark Sanchez?
Staff Writer: B. DelaBarrera

Sports, at least in America have changed drastically in the last decade or two. The NFL season, in general, is one that is now jam-packed with theatrics and insanity. Thanks to the media, fans can now indulge themselves in issues surrounding players’ personal lives. It’s funny to me to think about how the demand for constant news and information has turned some of the biggest sports in to reality dramas.

After reading ESPN writer Bill Simmons’ NFL Playoff Picks mega column where he compares the Wildcard Weekend playoff games to character’s in MTV’s Jersey Shore reality television program, I got to thinking that it could be pretty entertaining to go in more detail and compare the four remaining teams that are playing for their conference titles to individual characters in the same show, which just happened to have its season finale last night. I mean how perfect is that? The NFL loves drama and there is no better place to look for more of it than in the lifestyles of 8 guidos (and guidettes) spending a summer in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

Being a New Jersey native myself, I can attest that while some of the situations (no pun intended) are realistic, most people in the Garden State do not act like that. It’s a little embarrassing to see my home portrayed in that way on national TV and have to explain to my fellow students at in Massachusetts that it really isn’t that way. Most of that cast isn’t even from New Jersey. But whatever, it makes us all laugh.

Moving on with Business…

The NFL Conference Championships x MTV’s Jersey Shore:

The AFC – starring:

* The New York Jets as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino -> This was a no-brainer. Loud, obnoxious, and full of trash talk are attributes that can describe both the Jets and The Situation. During 2009, whether you were at the Jersey Shore, in New York, or just watching TV you could hear smash-talk quotes about other players, not kissing rings, abs, sex, techno, and playing in Week 2 Super Bowls. Both The Situation and the J-E-T-S have appeared to achieve some pretty impressive goals this year. If the Jets can learn anything from The Situation: it is that most of these situations end in failure. The Jets really don’t want to be ” like a half-ass firecracker: just fizzle out real quick and made a loud noise.” You either love them or you hate them. Whatever it is, you can’t help to be a little taken back by what both have done andhave some kind of appreciation for it. Plus, Rex Ryan already is “The Situation plus 40 Years of Cheese Fries”

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* Indianapolis Colts as Jenni “JWOWW” Farley -> Like JWOWW, people have come to expect certain things from the Colts that may seem completely ridiculous coming from anyone else. Whether it be dismissing sexual interaction as cheating because house music is playing or clawing back from a 17-point fourth quarter deficit, it just doesn’t seem that far-fetched when it comes from either of these two. JWOWW was once quoted saying, “I’m like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” Peyton Manning is no different; he’ll host another team in their house for a nice game of football and by the end of four quarters the visitor is left demoralized, saddened, and destroyed. He’ll even shake your hand and give you some advice after! During the Jersey Shore season, JWOWW has proved to the world that she can push the limits when it comes to club attire. There is no piece of cloth that is too damaged for her to throw on before a night out. Holes are actually preferred by JWOWW. In a similar fashion, the Indianapolis Colts have proven that regardless of the many holes in their defense, they too can still go out and look good.

The NFC – starring:

* The Minnesota Vikings as Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio -> Ignoring all of the Favre-a-Palooza, not too many surprising or shocking stories come out of Minnesota base camp and Pauly D doesn’t do that many outlandish things. However, both are entirely way too entertaining to watch in their natural habitat. Clubbing, practicing, picking up girls, or playing football aside: they both play their respective games very hard and they do it every day. The bottom line, though, is that Brett Favre is honestly way too old to be doing what he is doing this year… and so is Pauly D.

* The New Orleans Saints as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi -> The end of the Saints’ path to perfection looked remarkably, to me, like being sucker-punched in the face. Like Snooki, the Saints are a little unpredictable. Viewers know that something is going to happen that causes their mouth to drop, they just don’t know what. No matter how bad the hangover is or the loss last night was, they’re ready to go out and do it again the next day. Their inexperience makes them easy candidates for failure when facing older men. But even if you secretly hate them, you love watching them in action. At the end of the day, you realize that they’re both the most likable option to see succeed… plus, Jeremey Shockey has the same STDs that Snooki probably does.



2 Responses to “NFL Playoffs Final Four: Jersey Shore Style”

  1. Brian says:


  2. Anonymous says:

    That was awesome. Rex Ryan is a huge db.

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