With the NFL and Comcast still feuding, we started thinking about which NFL players are most like which TV channels. In honor of their continued struggle to allow the whole world to see the NFL Cheerleader playoffs, we will leave the NFL Network off the list here.
The Networks
ABC - Peyton Manning
The most commercial of all networks for the most commercial player ever.
NBC - Eli Manning
Hit-or-miss QB for a hit-or-miss network.
CBS - Tom Brady
Both are tops in their business.
FOX - Tony Romo
Reality TV lifestyle fits in well here.
Basic Tier
ESPN - Brett Favre
Did you know that Brett Favre's career is in flux right now?
TBS - Logan Mankins
TNT - Steve Hutchinson
Just like these two linemen, TBS and TNT are under-rated, even though they will always deliver with a timely block or a showing of Roadhouse/Blue Streak.
CNN - Marvin Harrison
Trusted. Works Hard. Ancient. This is Marvin Harrison.
HGTV - Jason Taylor
Seems like a guy that can decorate. Just saying.
CNBC - Joey Porter
Like Jim Cramer on CNBC, Joey loves to hear himself talk and generally leaves things worse than when he showed up.
Univision - Luis Castillo
Well, he does speak Spanish.
E! - Reggie Bush
There wasn't a channel about running around for six seconds and three yards.
Sci-Fi - Clinton Portis
Dude is jacked up mentally, like many of the people/things on this channel.
Spike TV - Jared Allen
Seems like the mostly like guy to go fishing with and have a few beers, err, mountain dews with.
Fox News - LaDanian Tomlinson
They both love themselves and pass judgment on others.
Comedy Central - Chris Cooley
If you haven't read this guy's blog, he is freaking hilarious. Not Mitch Hedberg or Demetri Martin yet, but dolphins are very agressive swimmers. Escalators.
History Channel - Junior Seau
Dude is old. He can still charge into the backfield aimlessly though. We still love you Junior -- please come back.
Speed Channel - Ben Roethlisberger
Let someone else drive Big Benjamin.
Travel Channel - Josh McCown
He's "played" for four teams in his 6-year career, being on such winners as the Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, and his current stop: the Miami Dolphins. Ouch.
Food Network - Ted Washington
Listed at 365ish. Ha. Ted laughs at scales that only go up to 365.
Animal Planet - Ray Lewis
This is where your dogs are currently located Ray.
The Premium Channels
HBO - Rex Grossman
80% of the time bad(INT's, fumbles, random old movies), and 20% sublime(SB Run, TD's CYE, Entourage, Sopranos, The Wire), Rex and HBO know how to tease.
Showtime - Chris Henry
Cinemax - Adam Jones
Guns. Sex. Weeds.
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NFL Mystery File: Peyton Manning
NFL Mystery File: Shaun Alexander
2009 NFL Mock Draft
Thursday, July 17, 2008
NFL Network(s)?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Suppose We Juxtapose
We unwrapped our shiny new copy of Photoshop CS3 yesterday, and decided to try it out with some pictures of NFL players with a juxtaposed headline. Enjoy:
Heck, he's been doing that to Bears fans for years.
He plays hard and the Patriots fans love it. Nobody else does.
It's coming to you. Almost there. And you got it, good.
Unless you count the Minnesota Vikings.
Stay juiced, San Diego. And thanks for stopping by. But mainly stay juiced.
Monday, July 14, 2008
NFL Mystery File: Shaun Alexander
Check out NFL Mystery File: Peyton Manning
We weren't incredibly surprised when Shaun Alexander had a poor year for the Seattle Seahawks in 2007, but by no means did we expect the precipitous drop off that occurred to the former NFL MVP and one-time holder of the season touchdown mark. What could have triggered this fall from grace? Here are a few likely explanations:
10. Mike Holmgren was even more successful holding him back from earning incentives this year.
9. Defenders found it very easy to grab onto the fork sticking out of his back and tackle him.
8. Shaun must not have been Vista compatible.
7. He really wanted to be considered for the "Comeback Player of The Year" award.
6. Just wanted to make sure he wasn't on the cover of Madden, because that can ruin a career.
5. Spent way too much time pondering why c7-c5 is such a powerful response to d2-d4.
4. Always dreamed of being on Eric Karabell's fantasy sleeper list.
3. It's much harder to run when Steve Hutchinson hasn't destroyed half of the defensive line.
2. Shaun found out how Shaq's ass tastes. Needless to say, it was a scarring experience.
1. As you suspected all along, he did it just to screw up your fantasy football team.
Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments below!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
NFL Mystery File: Peyton Manning
During the dead time before NFL Training Camps open and the NCAA season begins, we'd like to explore some of the more perplexing mysteries from the National Football League. Up today, just what the heck is Peyton Manning doing when he is waving his arms around before the snap? Here are ten possibilities:
10. Just pointing out which body parts are powered by lasers and or rockets.
9. Performing an interpretive dance of how to get 30 lives in Contra.
8. Using sign language to deliver a MasterCard commercial to the non-hearing.
7. Arlen Specter is holding congressional investigations to find out.
6. Giving John Madden 30 more seconds to say something obvious.
5. He saw Tee Martin do it, and Peyton is a wee bit jealous for some reason.
4. Trying out for "Dancing With the Stars".
3. Ed Hochuli told him too. Would you say no?
2. According to Bryant Gumbel, it's all just part of his 5th Down routine.
1. It's all a bunch of crap.
On Deck: Why did Shaun Alexander suck so bad last year?
In the hole: How does Norv Turner have a job?
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Kobe's Halftime Kisses: NFL Style
After seeing Kobe Bryant get some Father's Day love from his two girls and lovely wife during halftime of Game 5 of the NBA Finals, it got us wondering what some NFL players do during halftime. We'll leave Pacman out of this to allow the kiddies to have a read.
Tony Romo receives a kiss from Jessica Simpson, err, Jessica Simpson's dad.
Reggie Bush cuts right, then left, but never actually makes it into the locker room.
Wes Welker gets a nice pat on the head, a doggie treat, and a "Good Boy."
Roy Williams (big and slow) takes possession of a "number three with extra pickles, super-sized, with Coke to drink".
Roy Williams (tall and fast) orders a pizza, and leaves the tip for Jon Kitna, who ordered Burger King for one of his coaches.
Brett Favre puts on a new pair of Wranglers cut-offs, a la Tobias Funke. I'll admit it, I've been watching too much Arrested Development.
Rex Grossman puts a new piece of paper on the clipboard. (Week 3 version)
Chris Henry and Tank Williams get in a little target practice.
Maurice Clarett would have been getting his goose on, but instead he's, uh, well, getting his goose on.
Peyton Manning does about three mildly annoying commercials.
LT just tries to stay classy. San Diego.
Freddie Mitchell gets off the couch, uses the bathroom, and gets more chips. Typing that made me happy.
Travis Henry writes out some child-support checks.
Feel free to add your own in the comments below.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Chad Johnson Brings World Peace
In addition to Chad Johnson deciding to return to the Bengals, there were some other interesting nuggets of news out there:
- Palestinian and Israeli officials were seen shaking hands and heard saying, "Yeah, we were just screwin' around."
- Roger Goodell invited Pacman Jones over for a BBQ and some strippers.
- Dan Rather rejoined CBS.
- Two football fans compromised, apparently Bud Light both "tastes great" and is "less filling".
- Colin Cowherd subscribed to The Big Lead.
- Hatfield and McCoy? "We all good."
- Bob Barker and Happy Gilmore played a quick nine.
- Keith Olbermann made a wry, pithy remark about a four-letter sports station that included no four-letter words.
- Steinbrenner tried to fire Billy Martin (hell, not everything is hunky-dory)
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Thursday, May 29, 2008
NFL Fines We'd Like to See
With the NBA implementing fines for flopping next year, we thought of a few fines we'd like to see created in the NFL. We've already got fines for hitting QB's and collaring people by their horses, but you will now be fined for the following things:
- You do the little "throw the flag" dance after some CB brushes you
- You call a fake audible, and you're not Peyton Manning
- You hire Bryant Gumbel to do anything involving the NFL
- The phrase "I think Ricky Williams is ready to play this year" crosses your lips
- You catch yourself singing along to "This is My Country"
- Your chicas booty weighs more than you can rush for in a game
- You line Roy Williams up at safety
- Roy Williams covers you for an entire play
- You wear white Michael Jackson gloves
- Your name is Chris Berman
- You give Tom Brady a dirty look
- You allow Mercury Morris to speak
- You say the word "disrespect" more than once a month
- You celebrate quarterback "hits", even on completions
Please add your own in the comments below!
Read Full ArticleMonday, May 26, 2008
NFL: Putting Girls through Med School
Ever wonder what happens with your money when you buy an NFL ticket? We'll be showing you how buying an NFL ticket can impact so many lives.
The Ticket
Meet Joe Six-Pack, a worker in Dallas. According to the US Census Bureau he probably makes about $47,000 a year. When he buys a ticket for $85 (the average Cowboy ticket) that represents about 10% of his weekly paycheck -- a pretty good chunk if you ask us. Let's see what happens to that $85 dollars.
The Owner
NFL ticket sales are split 60% for the home team and 40% for the visitor so Jerry Jones gets to keep $51 initially. Teams like the Jaguars and Cardinals must love playing the Cowboys and other high-revenue teams.
The Team
NFL Players receive 60% of revenue, so forgetting about expenses the Cowboys players would receive $31 of the original $85. The owners are going to try and lower that percentage by opting out of the CBA, but that is going to be easier said than done. This year the salary cap clocks in at $116,729,000, but each team has a slightly different number due to incentives. Dallas, for example has $117,727,443 in space for 2008.
The Player
Pacman Jones will earn an average of about $3,000,000 per year during his four contract years in Dallas, provided that he is reinstated prior to the 2008 season. That is 2.5% of the Cowboys' cap room, so Jones would receive about $1 of the original money that Joe Six-Pack
The Girl
We all know what Pacman Jones likes to do with $1 bills, and most girls that would receive that buck are studying for Med School, so I hear. So there you go Joe Six-Pack, keep buying those tickets!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Lombardi Trophy For A Day
There has been a lot of talk about the Stanley Cup lately, but we must ask, where is the love for the Lombardi trophy. We get to see it on the field after the Super Bowl and maybe at the parade, but then it goes under lock and key. We can only speculate then, what these players, coaches, and owners would do if they were granted 24 hours with the most prized possession in the NFL.
Chad Johnson: The Lombardi trophy would undoubtedly be part of some lame touchdown celebration.
Maurice Jones-Drew: Shine it up real nice and use it as a full-length mirror.
Ricky Williams: We know it is cliche and all, but we're pretty dang sure he'd try to smoke it.
Shaun Alexander: He probably wouldn't, but he should melt it down and make a knife and spoon to go with the big fork sticking out of his back.
Peyton Manning: About 16 different commercials.
Al Davis: Two words: Vertical routes.
Jon Gruden: He'd give it a tryout for the 8th and final QB on the roster.
Reggie Bush: He'd cut right, then left, and lose three yards with it.
Donovan McNabb: This is too far-fetched, we know #5 isn't ever going to win this.
Matt Leinart: One Word: Kegstop.
LT: They would stay classy. It's a full-time job people.
Herm Edwards: Sign it as a starting right guard.
Vince Young: Probably something NSFW.
Tom Brady: Put it back on his mantel.
Please comment and add your own!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Specter vs. Eight Belles
According to breaking reports, Senator Arlen Specter, along with executives from ESPN and Comcast, was seen digging up the grave of the late Eight Belles this past weekend. Eight Belles recently was euthanized after a terrible on-track accident at the Kentucky Derby. There has been much gnashing of teeth as to the cruelty of horse-racing, but Specter's actions really have taken cruelty to a new level.
Eyewitnesses state that after exhuming the horse, Specter and his buddies proceeded to beat the horse repeatedly. According to the Pennsylvania Senator's staff, he plans to continue this odd practice for "the forseeable future".
Roger Goodell, commisioner of the NFL, stated that "If he would just re-bury the horse, this whole thing would go away". PETA and the ASPCA were unavailable for comment.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
How You Know Your Offseason is Sucking
- Rex Grossman is still your starting quarterback.
- You're a Bengals fan, but not a bondsman.
- You had Pacman Jones in the "NFL Player to get arrested at Lake Travis" pool.
- Mel Kiper Jr. says you are having a great offseason.
- You are the Senior Senator from the great state of Pennsylvania.
- Desean Jackson is your new go-to receiver.
- You're a mustard salesmen, and you were hoping to get a boost from the NFL Draft.
- J! E! T! S!
- Two words: Tomase, John.
- You know Adarius Bowman, but you're not his dealer.
- You're Adarius Bowman.
- Matt Leinart didn't help you with any of your kegstands.
- (Afraid to insert Marvin Harrison joke)
- Your team president didn't even draft a WR. (Lions Fans only)
- Mario Manningham beat you in truth or dare.
- Last but not least: No more #4
Saturday, May 3, 2008
NFL All-Food Team
With the appearance of about 300 Jerod Mayo jokes lately, some funny, some not, we've decided to make the best team possible using just players whose name contain a food word. We were tempted to use old-time players like OJ Simpson, but we limited it to current players only. Please let us know how we can improve the team by dropping us an email or leaving a comment.
Check out the 2009 Draft Up and Comers Here.
Your starting offense:
QB - Cleo Lemon (Jaguars) - Roethlisberger was close...
RB - Ray Rice (Ravens)
TE - Chad Mustard (Broncos)
TE - Alge Crumpler (Titans) - Algae is very nutritional
WR - Sidney Rice (Vikings)
WR - Ronald Curry (Raiders) - Spicy
OL - Sam Baker (Falcons)
OL - Todd Weiner (Falcons)
OL - Brian Waters (Chiefs)
OL - Ryan Cook (Vikings)
OL - Dustin Frye (Seahawks)
And on defense:
DE - Julius Peppers (Panthers) - Peppers hot. His game? Not.
DE - Calais Campbell (Cardinals) - Mmm. Chunky
DT - Sam Adams (Broncos)
DT - Vince Wilfork (Patriots) - And he will eat you
LB - Tedy Bruschi (Patriots) - Hey, have a Sam Adams
LB - Jerod Mayo (Patriots)
LB - Anthony Waters (Chargers)
CB - Robert Bean (Jaguars) - Is he a magical fruit?
CB - Terrence Wheatley (Patriots) - Stretching...
FS - Gerome Sapp (Ravens - Maple syrup good
SS - Roy Williams (Cowboys) - No reason, he just eats a lot of food
K - Matt Stover
P - Jason Baker - Where is the Candlestick maker?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Top 5 Games to Play During the NFL Draft
As exciting as the draft is for us draftniks, even we need something to break up the monotiny of Mel Kiper Jr. droning on about upside, Keyshawn pining to get drafted again, and Chris Berman looking sweaty. Here are five games to help alleviate acute forms of draft-itis. Feel free to add your own in the comments section!
5. The Giants Game
The NFL Draft is bound to be littered with New York Giants fans of various forms and styles due to their recent success. You must classify each Giant fan seen on TV into one of three categories: Bandwagon, Old-Timer, or Currently Drunk.
4. Penalty Flag
Choose a recurring event for each person in your party, for example: trade, mispronunciation, Ryan Leaf reference... Assign a penalty (have a drink, take a lap, be creative) for any occurance of selected event.
3. Rate the Posse
As the cameras showcase the latest draft-pick at home or in the green room, rate their posse on a scale of 1-10 based on size, awkwardness, and gold teeth.
2. Quinn Rodgers Bowl
Simple: pick the poor sap that will be the last one sitting in the green room.
1. Cliche Bingo
