Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Joe Horn Effect, Or Why Twitter Will Need a Few More Servers

Monday, July 20th, 2009


When Verizon CEO Ivan Seidenberg cashed his $20.2 million dollar check in 2008, he should have given a large chunk of that to one Mr. Joe Horn. Twitter CEO Evan Williams and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell should start listening up. Horn, a former NFL WR famous for his cellular telephonic celebration during a 2003 game against the Giants, made a huge contribution to the mobile telephone industry.

Worldwide subscribers in 2003 were estimated to be at around 900 million. Six years following Joe Horn popularizing the handheld mode of communication, experts estimate the 2010 subscriber total will be near 3.6 billion. Propelling an entire global industry to 4x growth in just over six years is nothing short of a miracle.

Chad Ochocinco promises to do the same thing for the micro-blogging industry this coming season. OGOchoCinco, a Twitter fanatic, promises to tweet during an NFL game this year, regardless of the cost.

“There’s a lot of things they don’t want me to do. I do it anyway. They know that. I don’t know why they even fussing about it. … When I say I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it, regardless of what they say.”

Joe Horn was fined 30k for his infraction, one can only assume that Ochocinco would get even a heavier fine.

Commissioner Goodell and CEO Williams, however, need to see the marketing possibilities in this venture. Provided that the Joe Horn Effect holds true, Twitter’s 4.5 million users in 2009 will turn into more than 18 million users by 2015. If anyone can find a way to monetize Twitter, I’m sure that it is the NFL.


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2009 NFL All-Food Team

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

In 2008, we brought you the first NFL All-Food Team from NE Patriots Draft. We’re back at it again with the 2009 version of this prestigious group. Without further adieu, the 2009 NFL All-Food Team:

Offense:

QB- Cleo Lemon, Jaguars (2008-Cleo Lemon)
RB- Glen Coffee, 49ers (2008-Ray Rice)

WR- Dallas Baker, Steelers (2008-Ronald Curry)
WR- Sidney Rice, Vikings (2008-Sidney Rice)
TE- Jared Cook, Titans (2008-Agle Crumpler)
TE- Chad Mustard, UFA (2008-Chad Mustard)

OL- Dustin Fry, Seahawks (2008-Dustin Fry)
OL- Rich Ohrnberger, Patriots (2008-Todd Weiner)
OL- Mike Butterworth, Falcons (2008-Ryan Cook) – Wife’s not happy.
OL- Nick Hennessey, Bills (2008-Sam Baker)
OL- Erik Pears, Raiders (2008-Brian Waters)

Defense

DE- Bertrand Berry, Cardinals (2008-Julius Peppers)
DE- Paul Spicer, Saints (2008-Calais Campbell)
DT- Vince Wilfork, Patriots (2008-Vince Wilfork)
DT- Jamaal Fudge, Jaguars (2008-Sam Adams)

LB- Jerod Mayo, Patriots (2008-Jerod Mayo)
LB- Aaron Curry, Seahawks (2008-Tedy Bruschi)
LB- Calvin Pace, Jets (2008-Anthony Waters) – “New York City!”

DB- Darnell Bing, Lions (2008-Robert Bean)
DB- Benny Sapp, Vikings(2008-Terrence Wheatley)
DB- Brian Witherspoon, Jaguars (2008-Gerome Sapp)
DB- Emanuel Cook, Jets (2008-Roy Williams)

Add your own favorites below!

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Patrick Chung > Chuck Norris

Friday, May 8th, 2009
Patrick Chung is Better Than YouPhoto By Matthew West

Below are some Patrick Chung-isms, based loosely (entirely) on the whole Chuck Norris phenomenon. Some of these are our own creation, some are rehashed Norris fodder, and some are the work of the great posters at PatsFans.com. You can read even more by following this link.

Patrick Chung was drafted 34th in the draft… because that’s when he decided to enter it.

Patrick Chung’s side of the field is the homicide.

Patrick Chung did wind sprints at practice this morning. There were no survivors.

Patrick Chung added a “C” to his last name because he feels no need to insult your intelligence.

When confronted with Patrick Chung, white men can jump.

Nobody talks about Wang any more, only Patrick knows why.

Patrick Chung put the laughter in manslaughter.

Patrick Chung knows what state The Simspons live in: The state of fear.

Knock, knock. Who’s th.. (TACKLE)

After playing against Patrick Chung, TO gave a press conference to complain that the Bills were throwing the ball to him too much.

Brett Favre retired in anticipation of Patrick Chung coming to Foxborough.

Patrick Chung is classier than LaDanian Tomlinson.

The San Diego Chargers aren’t all on steroids, Chung merely sneezed while attending one of their games.

Please add your own in the comments below!

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NRA Protesting Treatment of Favre by Jets

Monday, November 17th, 2008
Brett Favre GunslingerNever Again?

The treatment of Brett Favre by Coach Eric Mangini and the New York Jets organization has gone over the line, according to NRA President John C. Sigler. “We have had the right to bear arms for over 200 years, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to sit idly by and watch this classless organization walk all over the 2nd Amendment,” stated Sigler at a Friday morning press conference, following the Jets 34-31 overtime victory over the New England Patriots.

In public, Mangini has only commented on Favre’s poor blackjack play, briefly commenting “You talk through it. You just stress, don’t hit on 20, like, sometimes, it’s OK to stay and see what the dealer has.” Behind closed doors however, The NRA contends that Mangini has used his authority to deny Favre the right to own and use firearms.

Against the Patriots, Favre didn’t sling a single gun all night, leading some to believe that Favre has agreed to the situation. Sigler however, won’t be buying in to Mangini’s plan anytime soon. “We will still sling guns from our cold, dead, hands — in Green Bay anyway.”

Brett Favre was unavailable for comment.

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Saved By Zero

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

Saved by Zero
This commercial has gone too far. Writing this sentence 45 minutes into Monday Night Football, this monstrosity has been played at least 4 times already. It might be more, but I blacked out for a moment after punching my ears. If I owned a Toyota, I would light it on fire.

Saved By Zero is so bad, that it already has its own facebook group bent on the commercial’s destruction.

This is Our Country
Not only was this commercial annoying, but it went on for over two years, with many different variations mauling viewers from coast to coast. If I ever see John Cougar Mellencamp, I will pick him up and drop him.

What other commercial annoys the heck out of you? If you leave a comment, I will find it and add it here.

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NFL Midseason: Nintendo Awards

Monday, October 27th, 2008

After eight of the most entertaining weeks of NFL Football that we’ve ever seen, we’re going to use some of the most entertaining Nintendo games of all time to help us hand out some mid-season awards. We’re very sorry that we couldn’t fit RBI Baseball into this, we know it belongs.

Double Dragon
The Double Dragon Award – Best RB Tandem
Winner: Lendale White and Chris Johnson

We’ve heard lots of cliches for big and small back tandems, but this one that we heard for White and Johnson is our favorite: The Meat and The Sauce.

Honorable Mention: Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood


The Duck Hunt Award – Worst Quarterbacking
Winner: Jon Kitna and Dan Orlovsky

These two really deserve the award. After Orlovsky’s safety dance, and a combined zero wins, there really wasn’t another choice.

Honorable Mention: Brodie Croyle, Damon Huard, and Tyler Thigpen

Punch Out Award – Best Knockout
Winner: Eric Smith’s hit on Anquan Boldin

Although Smith was fined on the play, we didn’t feel like it was dirty. What it was, was a huge freaking hit.

Honorable Mention: Steve Smith

TECMOSUPERBOWL
Tecmo Superbowl Award – Best Game Ever (of 2008)
Winner: Indianapolis Colts versus Houston Texans

An incredible comeback by the Colts, capped by one of the sickest catches ever, courtesy of Reggie Wayne and Peyton Manning.

Honorable Mention: Arizona Cardinals overtime victory over the Cowboys

KID ICARUS
Kid Icarus Award – Flew Too High in Preseason Rankings
Winner: Houston Texans

Many “experts”, including Fox Sports, ESPN, and yours truly all picked the Texans to make the playoffs. Our bad.

Honorable Mention: San Diego Chargers

EXCITEBIKE
Excitebike Award – Amazing, But Tends to Overheat
Winner: Michael Turner

Games of 220, 104, and 121 yards followed by games of 42, 56, and 54 yards respectively.

Honorable Mention: Wildcat Offense

PAPERBOY
Paperboy Award – Overcoming Obstacles and Still Bringing It
Winner: Kurt Warner

Kurt Warner has been through a lot of highs and lows during his career. Each day, he continues to work hard and exhibit a team-first attitude that has helped the Cardinals start the year out at 4-3.

Honorable Mention:
Kerry Collins

More NE Patriots Draft:
The Office: Sports Edition
NBA Mock Draft

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Eli Manning is God

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

Yes, you read the title correctly. After watching the video below, Roger Goodell should just give the New York Giants the Lombardi Trophy. I think I wan’t to cry.



That was from a real Madden ’09 game; who knew Eli had it in him? And by the way, that is Roy Williams that got juked badly (who knew?), and Anthony Henry that got ragdolled.


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