Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Pre-Game Meal: Cincinnati Bengals

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

Tom Brady just jumped up in the tax brackets.

NEPD Staff Writer: B. Delabarrera

FINALLY! We’ve arrived at the 2010-2011 opening weekend, and only a short three weeks after Roger Goodell saw his own shadow! The 2009 AFC East Champion New England Patriots will host the Cincinnati Bengals, the reigning crown of the AFC North.

Like most of their northern counterparts, Cincinnati comes out of the gate running down teams’ throats. Normally this really wouldn’t worry me, however, now with the WR-tandem of Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, the Bengals prove to be quite the challenge for a young, hopeful defense that is looking to find their identity.


Spanish Teachers Protest Ocho Cinco

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Editor’s Note: This article is from September, 2008

When Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco to reflect the 85 on the back of his jersey, he didn’t figure that he would instantly be making thousands of enemies nationwide.

Aaron Carlson, Spanish teacher from Kearney, Nebraska explains: “Chad’s little prank is making it difficult for us to effectively teach numbers. Students think that we are teaching them wrong because this clown can’t use a dictionary.”


An NFL Wedding (2010 NFL Season Preview)

Sunday, July 18th, 2010
An NFL Wedding

Where does your team fit in an NFL Wedding?

As I suffered through 104 degree heat yesterday at the sister of Mrs. NEPD’s wedding, I finally came up for my 3rd annual “Ridiculous 2010 NFL Preview” format  - how each NFL team will be like a member of a wedding party this year.  You can also check out the 2009 and 2008 versions. Without further ado, the results of my heat-addled brain…


Fantasy Football Team Names: Patriots Edition

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Now that it is Fantasy Football time again, we’re breaking out this list again.

Fantasy Football Team Names for Patriot Fans:


World Cup Preview for an NFL Fan

Monday, June 7th, 2010
2010 World Cup

The 2010 World Cup kicks off June 11th.

When the 2010 World Cup kicks off its first game with host country South Africa against Mexico, some NFL fans might want to watch, but not be exactly sure what each team is like.  Here is a handy guide comparing each World Cup qualifier with an equivalent NFL team.


Modern Family: Sports Edition

Monday, March 15th, 2010

If you haven’t done yourself the favor of watching ABC’s “Modern Family”, give it 30 minutes this Wednesday and you’ll be hooked. As a preview, here is how we would cast the show using figures from the world of sports.

Manny (Usain Bolt)
The most dominant man in sports (untouchable in the 100m) with the most dominant character on TV today. I would pay $12 to watch these two race. Right now.

Jay (Brett Favre), Gloria (Vikings)
The old grizzled man, coming back from a gig with many highs and a few lows (Married… with Children), steps up and comes back with what might be his greatest season ever, all with a brand new team.

Check out The Office: Sports Edition while you’re here!

Mitchell (Brian Scalabrine), Cam (Jon Asamoah)
I can’t look at Mitchell without seeing Brian Scalabrine for some reason, while Jon Asamoah is the only University of Illinois offensive lineman that I can think of. Evidently, Cam was quite the blocker.

Phil (Wade Phillips), Claire (Jerry Jones)
Phil, who thinks he is in charge, is the guy found whooping it up, trying to fit in with people half his age. Meanwhile, Claire is the one that is really calling the shots.

Luke (Rich Ankiel)
Have you seen either of these guys try and pitch? Not pretty.

More NE Patriots Draft:
2010 NFL Mock Draft / 2009 All-Food Team

NFL Playoffs Final Four: Jersey Shore Style

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

What, you would have preferred Mark Sanchez?
Staff Writer: B. DelaBarrera

Sports, at least in America have changed drastically in the last decade or two. The NFL season, in general, is one that is now jam-packed with theatrics and insanity. Thanks to the media, fans can now indulge themselves in issues surrounding players’ personal lives. It’s funny to me to think about how the demand for constant news and information has turned some of the biggest sports in to reality dramas.

After reading ESPN writer Bill Simmons’ NFL Playoff Picks mega column where he compares the Wildcard Weekend playoff games to character’s in MTV’s Jersey Shore reality television program, I got to thinking that it could be pretty entertaining to go in more detail and compare the four remaining teams that are playing for their conference titles to individual characters in the same show, which just happened to have its season finale last night. I mean how perfect is that? The NFL loves drama and there is no better place to look for more of it than in the lifestyles of 8 guidos (and guidettes) spending a summer in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

Being a New Jersey native myself, I can attest that while some of the situations (no pun intended) are realistic, most people in the Garden State do not act like that. It’s a little embarrassing to see my home portrayed in that way on national TV and have to explain to my fellow students at in Massachusetts that it really isn’t that way. Most of that cast isn’t even from New Jersey. But whatever, it makes us all laugh.

Moving on with Business…

The NFL Conference Championships x MTV’s Jersey Shore:

The AFC – starring:

* The New York Jets as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino -> This was a no-brainer. Loud, obnoxious, and full of trash talk are attributes that can describe both the Jets and The Situation. During 2009, whether you were at the Jersey Shore, in New York, or just watching TV you could hear smash-talk quotes about other players, not kissing rings, abs, sex, techno, and playing in Week 2 Super Bowls. Both The Situation and the J-E-T-S have appeared to achieve some pretty impressive goals this year. If the Jets can learn anything from The Situation: it is that most of these situations end in failure. The Jets really don’t want to be ” like a half-ass firecracker: just fizzle out real quick and made a loud noise.” You either love them or you hate them. Whatever it is, you can’t help to be a little taken back by what both have done andhave some kind of appreciation for it. Plus, Rex Ryan already is “The Situation plus 40 Years of Cheese Fries”

More NE Patriots Draft:
Spanish Teachers Protest OchoCinco
The Office Sports Edition

* Indianapolis Colts as Jenni “JWOWW” Farley -> Like JWOWW, people have come to expect certain things from the Colts that may seem completely ridiculous coming from anyone else. Whether it be dismissing sexual interaction as cheating because house music is playing or clawing back from a 17-point fourth quarter deficit, it just doesn’t seem that far-fetched when it comes from either of these two. JWOWW was once quoted saying, “I’m like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” Peyton Manning is no different; he’ll host another team in their house for a nice game of football and by the end of four quarters the visitor is left demoralized, saddened, and destroyed. He’ll even shake your hand and give you some advice after! During the Jersey Shore season, JWOWW has proved to the world that she can push the limits when it comes to club attire. There is no piece of cloth that is too damaged for her to throw on before a night out. Holes are actually preferred by JWOWW. In a similar fashion, the Indianapolis Colts have proven that regardless of the many holes in their defense, they too can still go out and look good.

The NFC – starring:

* The Minnesota Vikings as Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio -> Ignoring all of the Favre-a-Palooza, not too many surprising or shocking stories come out of Minnesota base camp and Pauly D doesn’t do that many outlandish things. However, both are entirely way too entertaining to watch in their natural habitat. Clubbing, practicing, picking up girls, or playing football aside: they both play their respective games very hard and they do it every day. The bottom line, though, is that Brett Favre is honestly way too old to be doing what he is doing this year… and so is Pauly D.

* The New Orleans Saints as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi -> The end of the Saints’ path to perfection looked remarkably, to me, like being sucker-punched in the face. Like Snooki, the Saints are a little unpredictable. Viewers know that something is going to happen that causes their mouth to drop, they just don’t know what. No matter how bad the hangover is or the loss last night was, they’re ready to go out and do it again the next day. Their inexperience makes them easy candidates for failure when facing older men. But even if you secretly hate them, you love watching them in action. At the end of the day, you realize that they’re both the most likable option to see succeed… plus, Jeremey Shockey has the same STDs that Snooki probably does.


  • Categories

  • Search NEPD Archives

  • Archives