NEPD Editor: Doug Kyed
Another season of Hard Knocks has come and gone.
That’s right, tonight was the season finale of the Miami Dolphins season of Hard Knocks. We saw some cuts, we had some laughs and most importantly, my comments on Joe Philbin have single-handedly rekindled the Patriots-Dolphins rivalry of the 80s.
Tonight’s episode set another high bar in comedy and another low note in the 2012 Dolphins season. At least Dolphins fans will have a document of where it all went oh so wrong.
Tonight’s episode was all about the reasons why some players made the 53-man roster cut and why some players didn’t. Everyone seemed to have “their guy.” Philbin had Pat Devlin, special teams coach Darren Rizzi had Marlon Moore, offensive coordinator Mike Sherman had Jorvorskie Lane and defensive line coach Kacy Rodgers had “anybody but Jarrell Root, god please anyone but Jarrell Root!” or Isaako Aaitui.
Devlin really had a landmark episode. He was compared to Tony Romo by tight ends coach Dan Campbell, and then Tony Romo yelled at Campbell about it. He got a highlight reel in the Cowboys game, and Mike Sherman asked, “Where’d you and Coach Philbin go to dinner last night? He doesn’t even talk to Matt (Moore).” I’m really glad HBO finally listened to me to start featuring him, but now that I know that Philbin loves him, he’s become my least favorite QB in the league. Sorry Pat, it was fun while it lasted. At least they finally showed your face on the TV!
One of the best quotes of the night came from Mr. Philbin when he said, “You could make a case to get rid of any of them, you could make a case to keep any of them” in reference to the fringe WRs. Actually Joe, I think any reason to keep them is merely manufactured. I wonder how quickly the team panicked about the fact that they waited until the 6th and 7th round to draft their most needed position in an absolutely loaded draft for WRs. When you lack a true no. 1 X or Y receiver, it’s probably wise to just roll the dice on a couple of third day picks and sign Chad Johnson off the scrap heap. I’ve been getting comments and tweets that I’m not acknowledging that Davone Bess and Brian Harline are clearly the no. 1 and 2 receivers on this team. Brian Hartline most definitely would have been cut by the Patriots this season.
Speaking of Chad. When we saw him in the opening “previously on” portion of the show, we knew that he would be coming in somewhere tonight. His appearance started with a text that Mike Sherman recalled from the night prior that said “I’m still open” which he apparently sent to all the Dolphins WRs as well. What a prankster. Did anyone ask him if the gash on Evelyn’s head was still open too?
Another WR, Clyde Gates had clearly fallen out of favor with Philbin one day at practice when he dared to look different from the rest of the players on the field. You see Joe Philbin is petty about pretty much everything on Earth. If it were up to Joe Philbin, no one would ever have trash on the field or in the locker room, no one would ever have their shoes untied, no one would ever wear their jerseys up in their pads and no one would ever drop more than one “f bomb” in the span of two and a half hours. Philbin also didn’t like Gates’ route running, going as far as calling him a “neophyte as a route runner.” Apparently that means he’s a novice. I had to look it up. Joe Philbin is smarter than me.
Another great moment came in the show when the cameras showed the QBs again and Matt Moore asked Ryan Tannehill if he even remembered cassette tapes. Because Ryan Tannehill is young. Moore recalled that he had the Homeward Bound soundtrack on cassette. I googled the Homeward Bound soundtrack and unfortunately it’s just the score from the movie. I was really hoping to find some 90s jams on there that a nine year old Matt Moore really dug. At least we know that he likes film scores from movies about talking dogs.
They then showed Joe Philbin who said that this is the best QB room he’s ever had and that you’d feel comfortable starting any of those guys. I think this is when I realized that Pat Devlin will definitely be starting by week three, because Philbin’s mancrush on him is completely out of control. That’s right, Ryan Tannehill, Matt Moore, David Garrard and Pat Devlin are better than Aaron Rodgers and Matt Flynn or even Aaron Rodgers and BRETT FAVRE. Apparently Philbin doesn’t remember coaching in Green Bay. This was further illustrated when he said he expected Jorvorskie Lane to get more carries than any fullback he had in Green Bay. Which means that Lane will be getting more than the 84 carries that John Kuhn got in 2010. As a Patriots fan, I can’t wait to watch those 85+ carries from a 300 pound running back that coaches affectionately refer to as “butterball.”
HBO really shoehorned their weekly Lauren Tannehill segment in this week showing hubby and wifey assembling Ikea furniture. Which didn’t work after they put it together because ohmygod Ikea furniture is the absolute worst thing on Earth.
IKEA FURNITURE RANT BELOW, FEEL FREE TO SKIP
I’m sitting on a chair that I bought at Ikea. And it was put together by wood splints and screws that only work with the certain Swedish tool that’s provided and breaks halfway through the assembly. Also, you’re expected to stand on your head and balance three pieces of a chair against a wall to fit the screws in. I hate Ikea. One time that I went to Ikea I was trying to park, and the woman pulling into the spot across from mine for absolutely no reason pulled through her spot into the spot I was trying to take. First I almost got into a head on collision and then I just stared at her saying, “Why? Why, why oh god why did you do that to me?!” Then she got out of her car, walked into Ikea and probably had some swedish meatballs or something. It was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me, because by the time I got around to the spot that she was too good for, someone else had taken it. I WASN’T TOO GOOD FOR THAT SPOT. I WOULD HAVE GLADLY TAKEN THAT SPOT. But yeah, the Tannehill’s couldn’t put their remote controls in the side table that Ryan assembled because Ikea is terrible.
IKEA FURNITURE RANT IS OVER, YOU CAN CONTINUE READING NOW
I think the biggest storyline of this season that no one wants to talk about is, “why is Jarrell Root in the NFL?” He wasn’t a starter on Boise State and wasn’t that great when he did play, he apparently doesn’t pay attention in meetings, he never flashed in the preseason games, but he is best friends with all the players and has a good singing voice. So the Dolphins really value singing I guess. Maybe Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Jimmy Buffet, Gloria Estefan and Fergie can step down from leadership and start playing DE. (Ha yeah Doug, except Fergie and Jennifer Lopez and Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony can’t even sing)
While Joe Philbin has come across as one of the most annoying human beings on television, the rest of the coaches have come across great! Jim Turner always has the funniest line on the show, Dan Campbell seems like a great guy and Mike Sherman seems like he should be the one running the show, not Philbin. Tonight’s Jim Turner line had him telling someone on the sidelines that he used to get phone numbers from girls that were only six digits long.
The Dolphins lost another preseason game, Joe Philbin almost raised his voice again and the Dolphins plane backed into another plane. More goodies for the LOLphins.
Ugh, then we had to watch Chad Johnson training for what seemed like eight hours because I really don’t like Chad Johnson and he’s not even on the Dolphins and if I wanted to watch Chad Johnson doesn’t he have his own reality show? As he was training on the beach, I’ve never wanted someone to get “Robert Edwards”-ed more in my life. He also got a tattoo of Evelyn on his leg. I couldn’t tell if he included the gash on her forehead or not.
Finally, we got to see the final cuts of the roster. There weren’t any that reached the emotional climax of Les Brown’s last week, but it was a rapid fire approach that HBO took. We got to see BJ Cunningham (the Dolphins highest draft pick spent on a WR in 2012!), Jeff Fuller (who can’t actually really catch), Clyde Gates (sorry, Joe Philbin doesn’t like the way you dress) and Chris Hogan (7-11 closed).
While the Patriots probably had to make the decision to cut someone or let them go through waivers to their practice squad with about ten players this year, the Dolphins only had one and that was Isaako Aaitui, a second year NT out of UNLV. Philbin actually asked Ireland, “Nobody’s called you about any of our guys, huh?” The Dolphins chose to cut him and he got snatched up by the Jets. As he was packing up his apartment, he looked about as bummed as humanly possible for someone who was getting moved from a practice squad to a 53 man roster when he said, “I’m still freaked out about the news. I wasn’t expecting it. We’ll see where this road is gonna take me.” Well we know where it took him, the Jets cut him today. Sources tell me it was because he was just sitting in the middle of the field screaming, “I HATE THIS I WANT TO GO BACK TO MIAMI!!” over and over again.
We also saw David Garrard work out, swim in a pool, get kept on the 53 man roster cut down… and then get cut.
Finally, the end of the show was an outtake reel of sorts featuring players and coaches telling stories of relatives yelling at them about swearing, Les Brown in another montage, this time of players making fun of his “as uge” catchphrase and the QBs making jokes when QB coach Zac Taylor said “rub us off” and “jack off” and then they made fun of David Garrard’s age with prostate and colonoscopy jokes. Good stuff all around.
Thus ends the 2012 season of Hard Knocks: Miami Dolphins and my Hard Knocks recaps. I hope you’ve enjoyed them as much as I have.