NEPD Editor: Doug Kyed
As each week of Hard Knocks progresses, the more and more I’m driven crazy by Joe Philbin.
He’s just one of those passive aggressive, micro-managing, nitpicky, detail obsessed guys that reminds me more of a grocery store assistant manager than a head football coach.
More on Joe Philbin and the rest of episode three of Hard Knocks inside.
The episode started with HBO squeezing as much Chad Johnson drama as they still could into the show. Karlos Dansby wasn’t pleased with the fact that the team’s number one receiver was released without getting three strikes and voiced his displeasure on the radio. Philbin then spoke about it in a team meeting saying that he went over 12 dos and 12 don’ts with the coaches before the season and that one of those was… not to complain about releasing Chad Johnson in public? Or something? I usually fall asleep when Joe Philbin starts talking and then wake up five minutes later to hear his eventual point.
Reggie Bush approached Jeff Ireland and Philbin at practice to ask if he, Dansby and Jake Long could meet with them about the Johnson situation. Bush, Long and Dansby came across great in the meeting asking if they could be made aware if a player has a “strike” on their record and that they could talk to the player to shape them up. Seems like a good plan. Philbin seemed to have never thought of the concept of players enforcing players.
I laugh everytime I see the “Champions Train Here” decals on the Dolphins’ training facilities because I just picture Nick Buonticonti and the rest of the No Name Defense training in there while the current team just stands in the doorway watching.
Reggie Bush looks like a man on a mission this year, and his training/practice montage might have pushed him up a couple fantasy draft boards. I’m not sure if he’ll lead the league in yards or if he’ll get four yards every time he touches the ball like he wants, but he definitely looks bigger and driven this year. Bush also said he wants the players to take over the team. Which might be good, because they may be better coaches than Joe Philbin. But maybe not better grocery store assistant managers. No one would make a better grocery store assistant manager than Joe Philbin.
John Jerry got a brow beating in this third episode with offensive line coach Jim Turner eventually saying, “Bad everything by the right guard.” That’ll happen when you’re 360 pounds and out of shape. Turner repped Jerry to the point that he threw up on the practice field and asked rookie Chas Alecxih to go easy on him because he was “tired,” but it seemed to work, as he looked pretty good against the Panthers. Jerry also seems to like jokes about how fat he is, because he was pretty much dying laughing during the rookie talent show.
Sidenote: it’s always bothered me that the Dolphin on the Dolphins logo has an “M” on it’s helmet rather than a Dolphin. I just want to imagine a world where there’s a Dolphin wearing a helmet with him on it… that’s wearing a helmet with him on it. In this world, the Dolphin is a male.
Next we saw Philbin’s most frustrating sequence where he nitpicked every single thing he could find during practice from asking a player to tie his shoes, making a comment about Davone Bess wearing a watch and wedding ring, asking a coach not to use the color red in his notes, complaing about lights being too bright and complaining that the locker room was a mess. JUST COACH YOUR TEAM AND GET YOUR THOUGHTS OUT IN A TIMELY MANNER! DON’T WORRY ABOUT TRASH!
My man Pat Devlin was finally mentioned halfway through episode three, though it seems like they were still telling him to stay out of frame during team meetings. Devlin was even having a nice episode until he ruined everything by throwing an interception to end the game against the Panthers. Pat Devlin just can’t catch a break.
Speaking of the game against the Panthers, Turner had the best quote of the episode once again when he asked, “Am I on drugs?” while watching Jonathan Martin. No Jim, you were not hallucinating, your second round pick was really that bad. The next best line was when Michael Egnew was loafing it like usual and tight ends coach Dan Campbell went up to him telling him to block, telling him to block again and then screaming, “GO F***ING BLOCK FOR HIM PLEASE!” Egnew stared blankly the entire time, but did block the next time.
After the Dolphins lost, Philbin said in the locker room, “I could give you a hard ass speech, but…” Can you actually do that Joe? Because I haven’t seen a single moment that leads me to believe that you can be a hard ass or even raise your voice. I have seen you complain about trash multiple times though.
Next came the “day off montage,” which is almost as good as the Les Brown blocking montage or the weird “this season is being held in Miami if you didn’t already know that so we’ll play a song about Miami and show clips of Miami” montage.
Les Brown was looking at alligators with his Miss Utah girlfriend on his day off, where she made fun of his Episode One looking hot “as uge” line. Jared Odrick was getting a suit fitted, Chas Alecxih was finally allowed to shave off his awful rookie hazing haircut and Jake Long was setting the table. Day off montage!
Finally, we got to see the Dolphins name the starting quarterback for 2012. Spoiler alert, Matt Moore, who looks like he would be the lead singer of Finch, didn’t get the job. He took it extremely well, and I think he is actually a quality backup to have. Ryan Tannehill got the news next, but from the looks of things on the “next on” portion of the show, the rest of the team, or at least Richie Incognito, didn’t seem to get that memo right away. When Tannehill sat down with Philbin after getting the starting news, Philbin made a comment about how his shoes were untied.
So basically what we’ve learned so far in Hard Knocks is that Joe Philbin hates trash, he’s terrible at cutting players in a timely fashion and he HATES shoes being untied. If I ever get to meet Joe Philbin, I’m definitely untying my shoes first.