As I suffered through 104 degree heat yesterday at the sister of Mrs. NEPD’s wedding, I finally came up for my 3rd annual “Ridiculous 2010 NFL Preview” format – how each NFL team will be like a member of a wedding party this year. You can also check out the 2009 and 2008 versions. Without further ado, the results of my heat-addled brain…
Nobody has delivered more rings in the NFL than the Buffalo Bills. Remarkably, the Bills were the ring-bearer for four straight weddings, a feat that probably never be accomplished again.
Tim Tebow might be the only player qualified to handle these ceremonies. Where is Priest Holmes when you need him?
The Bartender: Steelers
I think Big Ben would fit in really well here – just don’t let him anywhere near the Bridesmaid’s dressing room.
Father of the Bride: Saints
It’s tough to give away something as beautiful as the Lombardi Trophy, but we’re not sure that Mr. Payton has enough magic left to keep the prize for another year.
Bride and Groom: Packers, Patriots
This would make for a rematch of the ’96 Superbowl, in which the Packers were the bride (C’mon, you know the bride always wins in the end). In order to turn the tables, the Patriots need to include a “No Desmond Howard” clause in the pre-nup this time. Maybe Johnny Jolly can provide the “punch” for the reception?
Groomsmen (AFC): Colts, Ravens, Chargers, Texans
Bridesmaids (NFC): Vikings, Giants, 49ers, Cowboys
All good teams, but just couldn’t seal the deal. During the off-season, errr, “reception”, the Groomsmen will try to figure how to hook-up with the Bridesmaids, and vice-versa, so they can be the ones getting married next year.
Ushers: Bengals, Dolphins, Eagles, Falcons
For one reason or another (injuries, schedule, etc…), these teams just quite didn’t make the cut for some reason and ended up in the back ushering the rest of the teams up front. It’s always good to keep Michael Vick by the door anyway, just in case he needs to make a quick getaway.
Personal Attendant: Jets
This used to be the Chargers’ job, but now the Jets have the job of keeping everything “classy”. Thanks LT!
Gift Attendant: Raiders
Al Davis gives more gifts to other NFL teams than just about anyone – he should have no problem with this job.
Wedding Singers: Lions, Cardinals, Redskins, Bears, Chiefs, Titans
These guys are fun to watch for a while for a variety of reasons (Chris Johnson, Larry Fitzgerlad, etc…), but you never really want to be them.
Crowd: Rams, Seahawks, Panthers, Bucs, Jaguars, Browns
Maybe next year.