National Geographic: Wide Receiver Species

For seven months, the intense sun has beaten down on the turf and grass of these NFL fields, but in October the air fills with the promise of glory, riding on a cool breeze. As we gaze out upon the verdant field, we see many different species of the elusive NFL receiver. Ah yes, here come some now.

Eldoradus Ochocincus

Description: Seems to communicate in own language that is hard to understand, tends to mark territory with elaborate dances.
Species Variations: Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, Plaxico Burress
Ancestor: Keyshawn Johnson

Freakazoidus Athleticus

Description: Possible mutant species that exhibits remarkable physical traits and abilities that border on the impossible.
Species Variations: Dwayne Bowe, Andre Johnson, Calvin Johnson
Ancestor: Randy Moss

Sparticus Minisculis

Description: Smallish, with no regard for their own well-being, often found running from predators.
Species Variations: Wes Welker, Steve Smith, Deion Branch
Ancestor: Az-Zahir Hakim

Binkyus Comfortus

Description: This species is very reliable, sticking to a strict routine and running in a very predictable fashion. Exhibits incredible hand-eye coordination.
Species Variations: Brandon Marshall, T.J. Houshmanzadeh, Marvin Harrison
Ancestor: Art Monk

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16 Responses to “National Geographic: Wide Receiver Species”

  1. Admin says:

    I’d say they are Binkys and Freaks

  2. Anonymous says:

    where does fitzgerald and boldin fit in this?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Sorry, but Marshall is definitely the Freakazoidus Athleticus variety here. Bad call

  4. Anonymous says:

    Freakazoidus Athleticus must include Larry Fitzgerald. He’s like the direct descendant of Randy Moss.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Freakazoidus Athleticus= Anquan Boldin

  6. Admin says:

    Rice is an alien – thus no species, and Roy Williams doesn’t deserve one.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Where is Jerry Rice, and Roy Williams?

  8. Anonymous says:

    Brandon Marshall’s a beast. He’s very fast for his size and he plays very physically. They call him Baby TO for a reason. He’s not in the right category.

  9. Anonymous says:

    No Braylon Edwards?

  10. Admin says:

    Agreed anon — Moss would definitely fit there.

  11. Anonymous says:

    santana moss should be in the small, fast category

  12. SurgeTheBlog says:

    I’m a fan of the “Freakazoidus Athleticus”, I’ve got all 3 of those guys on my fantasy team.

  13. BlueWorkhorse says:

    Why is the Browns’ defender grabbing Steve Smith’s junk?

  14. mitchell blatt, jsb says:

    You could say that Michael Irvin was Sheshaun’s ancestor, but then again, you could always go back further for all of those.

  15. Frankie says:

    How about Blindus Cantcatchus: Troy Williamson

  16. Anonymous says:

    Funny stuff man.

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