With the NFL and Comcast still feuding, we started thinking about which NFL players are most like which TV channels. In honor of their continued struggle to allow the whole world to see the NFL Cheerleader playoffs, we will leave the NFL Network off the list here.
ABC – Peyton Manning
The most commercial of all networks for the most commercial player ever.
NBC – Eli Manning
Hit-or-miss QB for a hit-or-miss network.
CBS – Tom Brady
Both are tops in their business.
FOX – Tony Romo
Reality TV lifestyle fits in well here.
ESPN – Brett Favre
Did you know that Brett Favre’s career is in flux right now?
TBS – Logan Mankins
TNT – Steve Hutchinson
Just like these two linemen, TBS and TNT are under-rated, even though they will always deliver with a timely block or a showing of Roadhouse/Blue Streak.
CNN – Marvin Harrison
Trusted. Works Hard. Ancient. This is Marvin Harrison.
HGTV – Jason Taylor
Seems like a guy that can decorate. Just saying.
CNBC – Joey Porter
Like Jim Cramer on CNBC, Joey loves to hear himself talk and generally leaves things worse than when he showed up.
Univision – Luis Castillo
Well, he does speak Spanish.
E! – Reggie Bush
There wasn’t a channel about running around for six seconds and three yards.
Sci-Fi – Clinton Portis
Dude is jacked up mentally, like many of the people/things on this channel.
Spike TV – Jared Allen
Seems like the mostly like guy to go fishing with and have a few beers, err, mountain dews with.
Fox News – LaDanian Tomlinson
They both love themselves and pass judgment on others.
Comedy Central – Chris Cooley
If you haven’t read this guy’s blog, he is freaking hilarious. Not Mitch Hedberg or Demetri Martin yet, but dolphins are very agressive swimmers. Escalators.
History Channel – Junior Seau
Dude is old. He can still charge into the backfield aimlessly though. We still love you Junior — please come back.
Speed Channel – Ben Roethlisberger
Let someone else drive Big Benjamin.
Travel Channel – Josh McCown
He’s “played” for four teams in his 6-year career, being on such winners as the Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, and his current stop: the Miami Dolphins. Ouch.
Food Network – Ted Washington
Listed at 365ish. Ha. Ted laughs at scales that only go up to 365.
Animal Planet – Ray Lewis
This is where your dogs are currently located Ray.
The Premium Channels
HBO – Rex Grossman
80% of the time bad(INT’s, fumbles, random old movies), and 20% sublime(SB Run, TD’s CYE, Entourage, Sopranos, The Wire), Rex and HBO know how to tease.
Showtime – Chris Henry
Cinemax – Adam Jones
Guns. Sex. Weeds.